Punny Magic Items

Do you enjoy incorporating puns into your tabletop gaming sessions? Does the groaning of your players makes you feel alive? Well you are in luck as I have a list of random magic items all based on puns and phrases. MMORPG teams my inbox is open.

These are built with Knave in mind, but should be portable to other elf games. These items operate with the following expectations:

• “L” is a number equal to the user’s level.
• Items and Objects: “Items” can be lifted with one hand. “Objects” is anything up to human size.
• Duration: Unless noted otherwise, all ongoing effects last up to L×10 minutes.
• Range: Unless noted otherwise, all item effects have a range of up to 40ft/12m or only affect the user. Whichever makes sense.

1. A bitter pill. It is so bitter that it requires 1 days ration of water to swallow, but it is nourishment enough for 3 days.
2. All ears goggles Blinds the user, but enables superhearing and echolocation.
3. An eye for an eyepatch. The wearer of the eye patch can trade their covered eye for another eye within melee. Both sides take 1d8 damage. The newly transfered eyes can't be used for 1d8 hours.
4. Any port in a storm. An empty bottle that turns rainwater into sweet red fortified wine. Roll a 1d4 for quality: 1) tastes like piss, 2) quiet sour grapes, 3) tolerable, 4) mana from heaven.
5. Apple of discord. If a slice of this Apple is consumed the eater becomes angry and hostile towards all other living creatures. Must make charisma test to calm down.
6. Bed of roses. Super comfortable that enables the user to fall asleep instantly. Treat as if long rest, but takes a Dexterity Test or take 1d4 damage when getting out of the bed.
7. Bird killing stones. When thrown at birds it will attack two within one action as long as they are within Distance distance.
8. Bird brain. Will answer any question posed to it, but only has a 10% chance of being correct.
9. Blue moon. A small sphere that emits blue light enough to bath a large room with. Within the light an object of need shall be found (rare item, note revealing a truth, matches to start a fire because you are freezing). Once the item is found the light fades away and the sphere needs to be recharged in moonlight for 1d4 nights.
10. Broken clock. Can change the time of day to the time set on the clock once per session. Must spend a day underneath a clear sky for one day to recharge.
11. Buzzkill. A bee that you swallow. It creates a constant buzzing that makes it impossible to be stealthy. After 1d4 days the swallower may emit a swarm of bees from their mouth that deals Ld6 damage to all creatures within a 15' cone. The swallower
12. Camel’s straw. A small, light cylindrical object that when the command word is spoken gains the weight of a very large man.
13. Can of beans. If stowed upon a person for 2d4 hours, then shaken, and spilled out the beans will form the answer to one question about the person.
14. Cat in a bag. Once a day the cat can be let out of the bag and will sniff out a secret Nearby. Must then be fed or it will refuse to get back in the bag. It will follow you for 1d3 hours and then disappear if not fed.
15. Cat skinning multitool. Comes with 37 ways to skin a cat including: razor blade, fire lance, an army of ants to command, a razor sharp potato peeler, and more.
16. Chewed fat. When chewed for a minute this grants a supernatural gift of gab to the chewer for the next hour, but results in minus charisma for the following hour as the fat juices roll down their chin.
17. Clam of silence. When the clamshell is opened, it emits a 20' cone of silence around it.
18. Crocodile tears. When rubbed on one’s face a person can tell lies that are believed by everyone. Lasts d4 hours.
19. Drawing board. Write the name of a Creature on the board and it will draw then to it within 1d8 turns.
20. Eyes in the back of your head. When these eyeglasses are worn, the wearer can’t be surprised from behind.
21. Fish out of water. When a creature is struck by this fish they become confused for 1d4 rounds.
22. Fly on the wall. Activating this amulet by separating it in half allows you to place one half in a room and use the other to observe.
23. Fool’s coin. Returns to the user in 1d4 days after giving away.
24. Fork in the road. When driven into a path a faint green line will flow down the path to the goal, but won’t avoid danger.
25. Grapevine. Comes with 2d8 red grapes. You can listen to any conversation near the picked grapes by listening to vine.
26. Horn gate totem. When slept under the totem will provide the user a prophetic dream
27. Hot potato. Starts as warm potato. When passed from hand to hand the potato doubles in temperature. At high enough temperatures this can burn wood or even metal.
28. Jack & Jill dolls. If separated the Jill doll will teleport whoever is holding the jill doll to within 10 ft of the jack doll by hugging the doll. If a creature hugs the jack doll, anyone within 5 feet of the Jill doll is summoned along with the doll to the location of the jack doll.
29. Joybuzzer. A glove that grants the spell Shocking Grasp 1d6 chance the gloves fail to protect the user and inflict spell damage on the wearer.
30. Leg breaker. Guarantee a critical on your next roll, but your leg is broken. Suffer damage and reduced movement.
31. Message in a bottle. When a message is placed in the bottle and the bottle is set on enough water to float the bottle and message travel to the destination of the user’s choice.
32. Midnight oil. When rubbed onto oneself and then set on fire the user suffers Ongoing Damage, but can make two actions per turn for Ud4 minutes.
33. Might makes right gloves Once per day you can use your strength for a wisdom check
34. Mole Hill Magnifying Powder. When sprinkled upon an object, the object will grow to 10 times its original size for 1d4 hours.
35. Money mouth pill. Consume the pill to vomit up 1d20 coins and suffer 1d4 damage.
36. Money tree. Plant with coins. Return X days later to see the X times # of coins planted hanging from the tree.
37. Never too old to learn. A blank book. A Creature can learn any language that they copy down into the book within a few hours. However the learning ages the Creature five years.
38. Never die cloak. Once worn the wearer is unable to be killed, but day by day fades, turning into a shade within 1d4 months. Begins developing sensitivity to the sun, can manipulate shadows.
39. No pain, no gain gloves. Cannot earn loot without taking 1d4 damage, but the value of the loot increases by 1d12.
40. One good turn ring. Turn the ring on a finger to suffer 1d4 damage, but gain an immediate another turn.
41. Opportunity knocks door knocker. Place on a locked door. Knock once and only once invoking a random encounter chance. The door opens revealing the encounter.
42. Piece of cake. Consumption ensures success of next roll, but at the cost of Ongoing damage until a CON Test is passed at disadvantage.
43. Passing bell. If rung within two turns of death allows the soul of the dead to be returned to the body. Roll a 1d6 evens: the body comes back alive, normal, but scarred. Odds: the soul is trapped in the body, but the creature joins the ranks of the undead. Use the cause of death to determine the type of undead or roll 1d6: 1) ghoul, 2) wight, 3) zombie, 4) skeleton, 5) vampire, 6) banshee.
44. Pearls of wisdom. Once a day a pearl can be used to ask a single yes or no question of the GM. There are d32 pearls. They grow cold to the touch after being used.
45. Porcelain elephant statue. When placed in a room the statue attracts all attention, though no one will mention it. Becomes the target of all enemies of average or lower intelligence. Has HD 3 healtha.
46. Somebody’s leg. When pulled upon, a joke will be spoken by a disembodied voice.
47. Scales of fate. A set of scales hangs from a silver chain. The wearer can place a coin on the scales to ensure success on the next roll. The coin will then disappear. The amount of coins needed increases at a minimum of 12 coins with each use.
48. Speak of the Devil. A book of summoning devils. Each pages proscribes the name of a devil. Speak the name written and the devil shall arrive in within 3 Turns. They generally aren't happy being summoned against their will so hopefully you have a good reason or payment.
49. Stitch in time. Inflict self harm to avoid damage for the next nine turns. Does 1 HD damage when inserted and another 1 HD damage when it falls out after 9 turns.
50. Twisted knickers. Uncomfortable. Lowers Dexterity by d4.
51. Wall ears. Place onto a wall to hear any conversation the wall has heard within the last few days.
52. Wind-up goose toy. When released the toy will move in a manner to entice the d4 nearest Creatures along a path. The Creatures must pass a WIS Test or they are forced to chase after the goose for 1d3+1 rounds.